My mother lives for money.
She and I have two very different opinions on it. I care more about enjoying life and being happy, and she cares more about how much money she's got and what she can ultimately do with it in order to be happy.
I think that that's far too artificial of an existence; to find happiness only through monetary value.
She gets very excited when the checkout woman forgets to ring up an item.
I want to share in her excitement, but I can't.
It breaks my heart.
She's done so many rotten things. I want to look at my mom and think "that's what I want to be when I'm older", and I can't.
I hate that I can't, because I feel like a bad daughter. I wish I wanted to spend time with her. I wish I could trust her. I wish she didn't have the problems that she does. But wishing isn't solving anything. I'm drained physically and emotionally. I've cried over it so many times. I'm crying now. Crying solves nothing.
I just have to accept that this is our relationship, that she is who she is, and no matter how badly I want to see her be a better person, or how badly I want to drag her out of this hole she's dug herself into, I can't. She's content there, somehow. And up here, on level ground, this is where I'm happy. I wish we were on a similar metaphorical level, but we aren't. This is what it is.