seasons

I learn a lot from watching the seasons change. I feel enlightened as I watch the leaves fall. I am reminded how much happens worldwide in the time it takes for one leaf to detach itself from a branch and gently touch the earth's surface.
it's incredible when you think about it.

irrelevant, but

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how to these myspace jerkoffs find me.

I can't get angry

if someone contradicts themselves.
my own mind is a paradox and that's exactly why it's so enjoyable.

I mean there are circumstances, sure, where I'll get frustrated at someone who does it continuously, but what do any of us really know for sure?

nothing.
that's why we have to come to several, sometimes opposing, conclusions that don't always meet at the end.

I am.

I am 19 years old. I have green eyes and hair that changes colors more often than a horse from Oz.
I'm messy and imperfect. I'm clumsy and I trip over nothing. I dwell on things and sometimes I have a temper that's far too quick. I'm forgetful and I apologize relentlessly even if it wasn't me who messed up. I miss the same people for far too long and I give too much to people who don't give me back half as much. every night, I lay in bed and am almost brought to tears by dissatisfaction.
I'm dissatisfied that I can't help all the people who I want to. I'm dissatisfied that at the end of the day, I have no one to call and talk to who wants to do the same with me.
I'm not fashionable and men don't look twice at me. sometimes I lose sight of what's important. I get frustrated easily, yet I have tremendous patience for all the wrong things.
I rant on twitter a lot because in reality, nobody listens to me talk. people shout over me and don't pause to hear what I need to say.
I want to be successful as a singer so someday, I'm the one with the microphone and they have to shut up.
I've learned to become an observer since I can't be a communicator.
I shake my leg vigorously because it relaxes me.
I look everyone in the eye when they talk to me, and that seems to intimidate them, when all I mean to do is show respect.
I fear disappointing people who I care about, even the ones who don't care about me anymore.
I am an old soul.
I have been very conscious of death since I was young.
I have OCD with certain things. I have a planner that I write everything in, even things like snow days. I like to know where I was on any given day.
I also keep a back up planner in case I lose the main one.
I'm a major people pleaser.

sometimes I wonder why I can't find anyone to rely on, then I look at all my flaws. I remember what Marilyn Monroe said; "if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"


I haven't met someone who can handle me yet, I suppose.
When I look at it that way, I think it'll be worth the wait.
because I'm not an easy person.

guilty as charged.

I think the world is a lot less complicated than we make it.

the biggest problem is telling people how we really feel. people seem incapable of it.
I'm so guilty of this.
I'm even guilty of being afraid to ask someone else how they feel.

I'll ask anyone but that person. I'll ask my friends or their friends, I'll check my horoscopes and ask god to send me signs about friends and different people who's feelings I want to be aware of.

why is it so hard in this world to achieve honest communication?
we have so many technologies that you'd think they would perform as a catalyst for communication, but rather it's inhibiting the genuine meaning of it from reaching through.

we talk, but we don't communicate.
we hear but we fail to listen.

social networking is destroying human interaction and honesty. it's name is an oxymoron. instead of confronting each other and expressing feelings we hide behind a keyboard, armed with anonymity and several hundred harsh words at our disposal.
it's sad, really.
there are so many people who I'll never know much about because nowadays the only way to get information on someone's life is by checking their latest tweet or facebook status.

what's happened to us all?

pardon me if I sound conceited but

I do pride myself on being, from what I see, a bit more compassionate than the average human being.

oh, humanity. you nearly bring me to tears on a daily basis.

life is so funny.

once I get used to feeling like a teenager, and feeling like I can be silly and invincible and mature and immature all at once, I'm 19 and just months shy of turning 20.

it's so strange thinking that in this lifetime I can't relive my teenage years.

...

I DETEST the way I think of you.
I completely hate myself for it.



you don't understand and you likely never will.

PRACTICE.

The difference between an amateur and a professional is that an amateur practices until they get it right, while a professional practices until they can't get it wrong.

paper.

I don't like paper.

it ruins the world in some ways.

for example, paper is driving me to go through school for 4 unreasonable years. I need to have a piece of paper stating that I'm able to complete all of the technical aspects of music for anybody to "take me seriously".
but who would take me seriously?
people with more paper.
not another degree, but money.

I'd rather be lying on my death bed remembering how satisfied I was with my life and my work, and thinking about where music took me other than through school, rather than lying on my death bed counting my paper alone with nothing real to show for it.

planet earth

I wish everyone sharing this planet would achieve these seemingly simple concepts.

for eyes to be ignorant to skin color.
for minds to forget that borders divide us.
for our upbringing not to effect how we see other people's beliefs.
for people to be able to love who they love, regardless of sex, without being looked at differently.
for everyone to have an equal shot at life.




seems simple, but everyone twists it and turns it into a complicated hell to deal with.

priorities.

The priorities currently shoved on me aren't even my own, however, I'll see it all through to get it over with.


is this really living?

working out school

figuring out how to keep my GPA impressive for those who only look at those kinds of things.

24 hours

coincidences.

I personally don't believe in coincidences. I think everything and everyone comes in and out of our lives at certain times for a reason, whether or not we're aware of that reason at first.
I don't think this affects free will at all, though. I believe that what we do with these influences are entirely to our discretion. but everyone who you pass, everyone who you talk to, and everything you see, it's all there for some reason.
Even things that seem bad. Things seem simple and straight forward on the surface, but think about all these strange "coincidences" that have affected people you know.
I was told once of a man who was always late to everything. His wife said he'd be late to his own funeral. On September 11th he was late to work, and missed the train. He wasn't in the World Trade Towers when they came down.
Eerie coincidence, or something bigger.
During a heavy snowstorm in New York City, a tree came down in Central Park killing a man in his 50s. Tragic, absolutely. But at that exact moment, that man was standing in the exact right place for that tree to come down on him and take his life.

That brings me to another theory of mine. Whenever it's your time, it's your time. If it's not your time, you'll avoid death, even very narrowly sometimes.

When we're born we're stamped with an amount of time. We can't see it or know how long it runs for. It's only revealed to us when it runs out.

So don't lock yourself in your house fearing all outside causes of death. If it's your turn to check out, your carbon monoxide detector might not have been hooked up right, after all.

greetings.

I'd like to start off by saying that this is nothing special. This will contain nothing too thrilling or earth shattering. All it is is a blog for me to put down all my thoughts. Anyone who's interested in reading said thoughts, interpreting them, thinking outside the box, and curbing their ignorance is welcome to read this.

I'm a 19 year old just like any other. I deal with the daily grind in my own way that probably isn't too different from your own. I don't think any different than anyone else, I'm not living on some other world or thinking on some other plane that makes anything I say relevant or more insightful than what you conjure up within the sanctities of your own mind. I do, however, spend an abnormal amount of time alone, in a room, with headphones on, thinking deeper than I originally felt I could.
And that is why I'm now choosing to exploit the things my mind creates on the internet.

adieu.