I don't have many friends.
I like people, I really do.
I just don't trust them.

I'm more intrigued by them than anything, actually.
I've taken a liking to sitting in the background by myself observing what they do, and trying to figure out why they do it.
I feel like I'm deciphering a secret code nature has laid out for my pleasure.

Lately I've taken to sitting in some form of seclusion, picking my own habits apart.
But other people, strangers, they're much more exciting to decode.

There are certain perks to being an introvert, I suppose.
They say 'always watch the quiet ones'.
I have no hidden vindictive agenda, though. What you do is your business. You deserve no punishment for it.
I just find it so intriguing that sometimes.

I could never hate people. They may do awful things, but I think everyone has a personal battle that they're fighting behind closed doors. Everyone has their own reason for their own bizarre behavior.
I could never hate something that is so compelling.

I'm bored by everything lately.

happiness

It's not what you look for, rather how you look for it.

I believe that one can find a reason to smile in the most unusual places.

Inspiration lies everywhere. Just open yourself to it.

Don't set out on a search for inspiration or happiness; it's not buried treasure. It's treasure hidden in plain sight, just like anything else you desperately want to find.
It's the 'how', and people take that and turn it into this complicated process.

I don't understand what I do to deserve these things.

I actually don't like many people right now.
I don't feel like I have anyone who cares to hear what I have to say, or anybody that I can be honest with.

this weekend was hell for me and not a god damn person knows about it because nobody really cares.

so I figure, rather than being alienated, why not just start doing that job myself?
why not just withdraw from this facade called social networking?
why not shut my phone off for hours, even days at a time?

I'm frustrated. I'm PMSing. I don't want to be in school, and I don't want to be at my mom's.
I can hardly eat and I could probably cry at the drop of a hat right now.

My mother lives for money.
She and I have two very different opinions on it. I care more about enjoying life and being happy, and she cares more about how much money she's got and what she can ultimately do with it in order to be happy.
I think that that's far too artificial of an existence; to find happiness only through monetary value.
She gets very excited when the checkout woman forgets to ring up an item.
I want to share in her excitement, but I can't.
It breaks my heart.
She's done so many rotten things. I want to look at my mom and think "that's what I want to be when I'm older", and I can't.
I hate that I can't, because I feel like a bad daughter. I wish I wanted to spend time with her. I wish I could trust her. I wish she didn't have the problems that she does. But wishing isn't solving anything. I'm drained physically and emotionally. I've cried over it so many times. I'm crying now. Crying solves nothing.
I just have to accept that this is our relationship, that she is who she is, and no matter how badly I want to see her be a better person, or how badly I want to drag her out of this hole she's dug herself into, I can't. She's content there, somehow. And up here, on level ground, this is where I'm happy. I wish we were on a similar metaphorical level, but we aren't. This is what it is.

my name's Alannah.
I'm 20.
I pretend I'm happy sometimes so that I won't inconvenience anybody around me.